Question marked?
Stepping forth on the new life I've long wished and hoped, maybe prayed for at the past. I was not myself again, I need guidance, guidance I would somehow really be pleased to have. "If only, only is given that one more chance." Like a certain script from the movie. I seemed to have been expecting myself to be able to have that chance. A chance not given and worst, I will not ever be having again.
He wants to speak. He wants to have a word. I was not really obliged to hear it. But somehow, because it was he who was speaking. I would like to know, on any certain way. I gave him that chance, to tell me, indirectly it might have been but still that same old episodes of hatred came. Those episodes I was trying to avoid. It was that hard, hard to listen and hard to be silent in those circumstances of anger or pain. In the end, I was not able to give him that chance which for so long, he pleaded for. I was not able to accept it, not because I was angry but because I accepted the fact that those feelings of love, have been so long been buried. Memories of him might sometimes pop and yet, when I see him. I cannot apprehend the feelings.
Another is a past, I tried to get back. I tried to speak with, but on this circumstance. I was not heard. I may have been heard and yet as I fell silent. I heard no feelings speaking. I feared it, I feared to hear that fact. I will not like to go back. I have been in love, stupidly in love for another person. And yet, when I met him, there was not even a spark. A spark I was trying to look for, that spark I wished I would feel. Empty, empty are the feelings when I saw that person whom I have feelings of love. Yet, I was not pleased. How come I can no longer find that kind of spark. Was that because it belongs to that certain someone in my past?
I am being ridiculed. I came to realize it from a peer, was my love purely was based on feelings? I hung in the air as I gave it another thought. Again, that question I was asked came to me and made me realized that I was loving for the wrong reason and for the most incorrect way. It was hard, very hard to understand, how wrong I am. How it was my fault ever since it even began. I was indeed looking for love, merely based on feelings and when it was built, I discovered for after some year the damage I had inflicted on that fully furnished home I had built. Incomprehensible, i guess was the word to best describe what I am thinking. Undecisive is the word best used for my actions. Confused, was the word for both my heart and mind.
I was not listening, I was not silent even from the beginning. I was looking selfishly on myself. I lied, I lied for so very long that it destroyed someone else. I hate it, the ways of deception and years of pain, days of anger, minutes of hatred and every seconds of quarrels. I counted and kept on counting again and again. Thinking it would disappear.
Now, I stepped on my karma. I stepped on that bomb of chaos again, I guess. I somehow felt again, that same liberty of loving. Yet, because I was free, I exposed it, exposed it for my own benefit. I am too scared to feel it one more time that I hope and pray that when I would shout it out, the air I shouted would echo. Echo and be gone, like my feelings would soon begin to disappear. I want to play it safe. Not that I wished to be left alone. But I do not wish to be lone in a sea of coupled bond I see. I may be envious, seeing the flood of happiness in another person's eye that I wish I could experience. We do not match that game of love. Not one was willing to give it up. Not one was willing to accept. Not one was able to realize the truth about what I was talking about. Not one was able to listen clearly. We had our limits which we must learn to accept. Somehow I fervently hope, I could be brave enough to give up something, even something special. Those feelings where I based it all in I would like to throw. I tried to play another game to forget the game I have loss. But, discovering that this other player will be able to persuade me to continue playing was not part of the plan. I was not even part of his plan.
I do not plan to play a game. I do not plan to keep on playing and rewinding the same tracks. I do not want my Love to be based on feelings. For in the longer while, I might experience another problem which I will not be able to run through. I want to go with the flow. I want to have something called everlasting, never ending. I would like to feel infinity. If I would be jumping into another path, I wonder if someone would end up catching me safely. If I would end up happy. If it would really end up.
I know he is willing to give me up. For what everyone will call happiness. But will I ever also learn to give him up for the same reason? I... don't know yet.
He wants to speak. He wants to have a word. I was not really obliged to hear it. But somehow, because it was he who was speaking. I would like to know, on any certain way. I gave him that chance, to tell me, indirectly it might have been but still that same old episodes of hatred came. Those episodes I was trying to avoid. It was that hard, hard to listen and hard to be silent in those circumstances of anger or pain. In the end, I was not able to give him that chance which for so long, he pleaded for. I was not able to accept it, not because I was angry but because I accepted the fact that those feelings of love, have been so long been buried. Memories of him might sometimes pop and yet, when I see him. I cannot apprehend the feelings.
Another is a past, I tried to get back. I tried to speak with, but on this circumstance. I was not heard. I may have been heard and yet as I fell silent. I heard no feelings speaking. I feared it, I feared to hear that fact. I will not like to go back. I have been in love, stupidly in love for another person. And yet, when I met him, there was not even a spark. A spark I was trying to look for, that spark I wished I would feel. Empty, empty are the feelings when I saw that person whom I have feelings of love. Yet, I was not pleased. How come I can no longer find that kind of spark. Was that because it belongs to that certain someone in my past?
I am being ridiculed. I came to realize it from a peer, was my love purely was based on feelings? I hung in the air as I gave it another thought. Again, that question I was asked came to me and made me realized that I was loving for the wrong reason and for the most incorrect way. It was hard, very hard to understand, how wrong I am. How it was my fault ever since it even began. I was indeed looking for love, merely based on feelings and when it was built, I discovered for after some year the damage I had inflicted on that fully furnished home I had built. Incomprehensible, i guess was the word to best describe what I am thinking. Undecisive is the word best used for my actions. Confused, was the word for both my heart and mind.
I was not listening, I was not silent even from the beginning. I was looking selfishly on myself. I lied, I lied for so very long that it destroyed someone else. I hate it, the ways of deception and years of pain, days of anger, minutes of hatred and every seconds of quarrels. I counted and kept on counting again and again. Thinking it would disappear.
Now, I stepped on my karma. I stepped on that bomb of chaos again, I guess. I somehow felt again, that same liberty of loving. Yet, because I was free, I exposed it, exposed it for my own benefit. I am too scared to feel it one more time that I hope and pray that when I would shout it out, the air I shouted would echo. Echo and be gone, like my feelings would soon begin to disappear. I want to play it safe. Not that I wished to be left alone. But I do not wish to be lone in a sea of coupled bond I see. I may be envious, seeing the flood of happiness in another person's eye that I wish I could experience. We do not match that game of love. Not one was willing to give it up. Not one was willing to accept. Not one was able to realize the truth about what I was talking about. Not one was able to listen clearly. We had our limits which we must learn to accept. Somehow I fervently hope, I could be brave enough to give up something, even something special. Those feelings where I based it all in I would like to throw. I tried to play another game to forget the game I have loss. But, discovering that this other player will be able to persuade me to continue playing was not part of the plan. I was not even part of his plan.
I do not plan to play a game. I do not plan to keep on playing and rewinding the same tracks. I do not want my Love to be based on feelings. For in the longer while, I might experience another problem which I will not be able to run through. I want to go with the flow. I want to have something called everlasting, never ending. I would like to feel infinity. If I would be jumping into another path, I wonder if someone would end up catching me safely. If I would end up happy. If it would really end up.
I know he is willing to give me up. For what everyone will call happiness. But will I ever also learn to give him up for the same reason? I... don't know yet.
posted by sphere13 at 2:43 AM
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